Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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