we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
