Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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