If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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