i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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