dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
