i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
operation have a gay friend backfired
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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