No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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