The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
