im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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