finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
