The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
