You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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