the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
