Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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