I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
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A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i've created a new STD.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
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Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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