I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
