i just wanna soil my oats bro
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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