the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
