I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just cropdusted the office
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Still dying that you shit outside
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
