im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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