I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
