i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
