Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
