threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
