I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
