She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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