note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
