I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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