hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
