Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(707): View more from California

im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.

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(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(330): View more from Ohio

How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.

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(260): View more from Indiana

How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?

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