life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
