Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
