gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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