Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
