I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Still dying that you shit outside
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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