i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
