Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
