The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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