I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
