I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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