Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He did a backflip because drugs
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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