I accidentally had phone sex last night
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
