My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
