i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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