the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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