You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
