You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
