Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
