I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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