why didn't you poke me back
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
