I am puke
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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