Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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