You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
