why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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