I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I need moral support for this bender
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We had sex on a dog bed..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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