my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
